Got to make time

I keep complaining to myself that now I never have time to do the little artsy-craftsy, ie. personal, projects, read, write, saw my the bag I learned to saw in a sewing class I took back in December, etc. I whine to myself that all my time is booked up by work, home, baby, etc....I keep promising myself that I'll wake up early in the morning (before Ivan gets up, which is, say, before 5 a.m.) to do my stuff for 1/2 hour, walk Mariposa, take a shower, and come back to play with Ivan around 6:30 after he finishes his morning bottle of milk and is up and ready to play and run around. I tell myself that in the evening, after completing a house chore, I'll do something that's family fun, maybe exercise, maybe .....

The evening formula is supposed to be:
-one house chore (the idea is that if I do a house chore per night, this would get away with the need to perform a more thorough weekly house cleaning)
-one fun Nina thing (such as read a book, write in the blog, etc.)
-one fun family thing (like watch TV with Andy, or play "cheese" with Posa)
-one work thing (that is check work email and put 1 hour of work at night to compensate for the theoretical-5 p.m. work departure, which still leaves me with having to make up the one work hour at home to put in the 9 hour day, which buys me an AWS-a work-free Friday, every other week. But as Andy recently asked "which free Fridays am I referring to considering that I've been going to work each Friday and still checking email at night and on weeekends. I even tried to do some work on my 35th birthday day. That one pushed him a bit over the edge. Hm, I wonder why?)

This evening formula has largely been a theoretical concept so far. Someone I manage to complete one fun task (which is usually the work email one).

But I know that I really put my will behind it I could do it. In other words, I think I'm just lazy (and chronically tired).

Because back in the pre-walking days when Ivan was still crawling around in the "sweeping the floor" style, I diligently did vacuum and sweep the house each night (or morning before everyone got up). I kept up this task for months.

Back in the day before Ivan started eating "adult food" and I was still on the anti-commercial baby food kick, I diligently made cooked and pureed batches of baby food -- carrots (which are still a bitch to puree), apples, pears, sweet potatoes, potatoes, pumpkin, squash, various vetegables, etc. I kept up at this for some 6 months.

Back in the day when I was still breastfeeding, I diligently pumped at work, first twice-a-day, then once a day, for three months each. It wrough havoc on my work (or lack of it) but I did it. Diligently and every day. (It seems so long ago now and so impossible to fathom, yet I was so profoundly upset when I stopped nursing Ivan some 4 months ago.)

Last night and last week, I managed to read - from start to finish - not one book but two (The Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and Julie/Julia) because I was into them.

So when I complain that I can't read a paper daily, can't keep up with my Economist and New Yorkers and other magazines I'd like to be a regular reader of (not to mention various web and blog sites), can't find time to exersice, play with Mariposa, write my novel(s) and stories, I'm just really complaining and procrastinating.

It I really wanted to achieve these things, I know I can. Maybe I just don't want to.