No Pink Tutus for Me

The sonogram two weeks ago proved Andy right. It's another boy. Deep down inside I wasn't shocked. But I was still hoping.

The most logical old wives tale about predicting a child's sex was told to me by two acquintances who each recently had two children of both sexes. If the second pregnancy is very different from the first one in terms of first trimester woes that then the child is of the opposite sex.

This pregnancy so far has been a carbon copy of the first one: same cravings, same issues, same hormonal patterns.

So deep down inside I wasn't surprised that it's another boy. And while I genunienly thought and felt that this time around it truly wouldn't matter who it is, my heart did sink when the sonogram technical confirmed the sex.

It's the sense of finality. This is it. There will be no more opportunities. (At least that's how we're planning it and how we've always thought about it.) So no pink tutus for me and no tea parties.

Although over the last two weeks I've told countless people that it's a boy and I was perfectly happy about it, last night when I told a friend over the phone I started breaking down. Except the conversation was about her not me, so I composed myself and carried on. Besides, she was one person who probably wouldn't get it.

Now that I'm writing this, tears are swelling in my eyes again. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. I didn't expect this delayed reaction.

Also, for a day or two after the sonogram, all this wacky unexpected thoughts kept bursting into my brain. What if I can't bond with this baby? What it this baby somehow sucks life out of Ivan? Already at this sonogram he measured in the 50 percentile, whereas Ivan measured at 10 but was then born in the 50 percentile, only to fall into a 25 percentile pattern of growth. What if this baby will be a difficult, loud, rough, aggressive child who will overshadow Ivan's gentle personality? When they grow up, they won't be as close to me as I am to my parents but we'll hear from them sporadically and won't be part of their lives.....

On a pragmatic, economical side, at least this will be a bit cheaper. No need to buy new clothes for the baby. Also, if we remain in this house, they can eventually share a room, which will still give us a spare bedroom.

For now, our next goal/dilemma is deciding the baby's name. With Ivan we settled on his name combination two days after his birth, right before we left the hospital. And we kind of used up our good names. Now, we're back to square one.