On Sunday my parents and Ivan were at the front door knocking and waiting for me to come down the stairs to let them in.
Mariposa, of course, was barking at the door.
On the other side of the door, Ivan was yelling "Popo, it's me. It's me, Popo."
I though this was endearing.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Allen
Allen was born last tuesday at 11:46pm. His weight was 7 lbs 12 oz and height 21 inches.
As soon as he was born and Andy cut the cord, the nurse wiped the baby a bit and handed him to me. So I got to hold him as soon as he was born ( I didn't get to do that with Ivan as the NICU teamhad to examine him first because he was blue with the cord wrapped around his neck.)
Unlike Ivan, who immeadiately looked plump and mature, Allen looks like a little newborn. He's also very wrinkly and flaky like most newborns . Apparently, overdue babies are more flaky than those born on time or before. He is a very loud baby. He makes all these little noises and grunts both asleep and awake that are really endearing.
Those first few days I felt confused how to think about ivan and Allen. I immediately started comparing Allen to Ivan, which I realized wasn't right or fair . I kept looking at Allen, this new little stranger, wondering how I'll love him as much as Ivan. Then when I'd think about Allen , I felt guilty like I was betraying ivan because I wasn't thinking about him. And vice versa. But now a few days later all these thoughs seem silly. I have bonded with Allen and it's the most natural feeling to love them both.
Labor lasted some 6 plus hours, which was a fraction of time spent in labor with Ivan. Pushing lasted some 16 minutes and then Allen was born. I was completely coherent and present for the entire event. Both Andy and I were shocked how quickly everything unrolled.
At 10:45 I was some 6 cm dilated so, believing that we still had hours to birth, i tried to talk Andy into coming home to check on mariposa who had been home alone for some 12 hours. The nurse wisely suggested to wait until the doctor checks me again. At 11:10-15 the doctor said I was fully dilated and that it was time to push. I was surprised. With Ivan I felt a strong urge , a need, to push unlike this time. I guess the epidural was working better.
Ambivalent to the end, I acquiesced to be induced. I basically gave in. It was a voluntary induction and the nurses, resident doctor and attending doctor gave me time to decide how to proceed because as soon as we arrived to the hospital I was rather vocal about my ambivalence. But the proceeded with the admittance process, hooked me up to monitors to check mine and baby's vitals, did a sonogram to check the status of placenta and amniotic fluid etc. Then they said that the amount of fluid is borderline at 7.6 of some units, while 8-15 is healthy and below 5 is bad. So then they recommended to have the induction. The baby's heart rate also apparently dropped or fluttered at some point which got them concerned.
Andy was for the induction--saying it's controlled and there are fewer wild cards to deal with, considering the weather, season, etc and the fact that I'm a week overdue-- and eventually got upset with me saying that we shouldve not come to the hospital in the first place if I didn't want to proceed. He also thought I shouldve stood up for myself more if I felt so strongly. In retrospect had dr. Bowles assistant not called on Friday to confirm the induction, I probably wouldve backed out. But her phone call kind of startled me and considering that weekend's approaching snowstorm it was easy to say yes. It turns out, according to dr Bowles that she told the assistant that I may call to confirm or cancel not to have her call me. Who knows what the truth is. However, Ive more or less made my peace with the induction only because the entire process ended reasonably well . Had it ended in a c-section I'd feel very differently now. Also I am pretty sure i had started getting a few natural contractions before they hooked me up to pitocin so I'd like to think that labor was about to start anyway.
It's true that pitocin induced contractions are stronger and come on closer together than the natural ones. Also they strarted turning up the pitocin to mimic natural labor, which I wasn't thrilled with. At one point, the nurse said I wasn't responding to pitocin as well as other women so they had to turn it up.
I finally gave in to an epidural around 10pm because the pain was getting unbearable. Contractions were so strong, long and close together that I couldn't take it any more, especially since I feared that I had hours of labor ahead of me and since the nurse kept jacking up the pitocin saying that contractions aren't as strong eNough as they ought to be for me to continue dilating. Now in retrospect I wonder whether I couldve endured without the epidural had I known it was going to be over in another hour and a half.
A few days ago, I exchanged emails with angela. She was also late and delivered a day before I did, naturally with a midwife. I can't wait to talk to her to get more details. A part of me is a tad envious because she stood up for herself, switched to a midwife and got the birth she wanted. It makes me wonder should I have stuck it out longer and waited for labor to come naturally.
As soon as he was born and Andy cut the cord, the nurse wiped the baby a bit and handed him to me. So I got to hold him as soon as he was born ( I didn't get to do that with Ivan as the NICU teamhad to examine him first because he was blue with the cord wrapped around his neck.)
Unlike Ivan, who immeadiately looked plump and mature, Allen looks like a little newborn. He's also very wrinkly and flaky like most newborns . Apparently, overdue babies are more flaky than those born on time or before. He is a very loud baby. He makes all these little noises and grunts both asleep and awake that are really endearing.
Those first few days I felt confused how to think about ivan and Allen. I immediately started comparing Allen to Ivan, which I realized wasn't right or fair . I kept looking at Allen, this new little stranger, wondering how I'll love him as much as Ivan. Then when I'd think about Allen , I felt guilty like I was betraying ivan because I wasn't thinking about him. And vice versa. But now a few days later all these thoughs seem silly. I have bonded with Allen and it's the most natural feeling to love them both.
Labor lasted some 6 plus hours, which was a fraction of time spent in labor with Ivan. Pushing lasted some 16 minutes and then Allen was born. I was completely coherent and present for the entire event. Both Andy and I were shocked how quickly everything unrolled.
At 10:45 I was some 6 cm dilated so, believing that we still had hours to birth, i tried to talk Andy into coming home to check on mariposa who had been home alone for some 12 hours. The nurse wisely suggested to wait until the doctor checks me again. At 11:10-15 the doctor said I was fully dilated and that it was time to push. I was surprised. With Ivan I felt a strong urge , a need, to push unlike this time. I guess the epidural was working better.
Ambivalent to the end, I acquiesced to be induced. I basically gave in. It was a voluntary induction and the nurses, resident doctor and attending doctor gave me time to decide how to proceed because as soon as we arrived to the hospital I was rather vocal about my ambivalence. But the proceeded with the admittance process, hooked me up to monitors to check mine and baby's vitals, did a sonogram to check the status of placenta and amniotic fluid etc. Then they said that the amount of fluid is borderline at 7.6 of some units, while 8-15 is healthy and below 5 is bad. So then they recommended to have the induction. The baby's heart rate also apparently dropped or fluttered at some point which got them concerned.
Andy was for the induction--saying it's controlled and there are fewer wild cards to deal with, considering the weather, season, etc and the fact that I'm a week overdue-- and eventually got upset with me saying that we shouldve not come to the hospital in the first place if I didn't want to proceed. He also thought I shouldve stood up for myself more if I felt so strongly. In retrospect had dr. Bowles assistant not called on Friday to confirm the induction, I probably wouldve backed out. But her phone call kind of startled me and considering that weekend's approaching snowstorm it was easy to say yes. It turns out, according to dr Bowles that she told the assistant that I may call to confirm or cancel not to have her call me. Who knows what the truth is. However, Ive more or less made my peace with the induction only because the entire process ended reasonably well . Had it ended in a c-section I'd feel very differently now. Also I am pretty sure i had started getting a few natural contractions before they hooked me up to pitocin so I'd like to think that labor was about to start anyway.
It's true that pitocin induced contractions are stronger and come on closer together than the natural ones. Also they strarted turning up the pitocin to mimic natural labor, which I wasn't thrilled with. At one point, the nurse said I wasn't responding to pitocin as well as other women so they had to turn it up.
I finally gave in to an epidural around 10pm because the pain was getting unbearable. Contractions were so strong, long and close together that I couldn't take it any more, especially since I feared that I had hours of labor ahead of me and since the nurse kept jacking up the pitocin saying that contractions aren't as strong eNough as they ought to be for me to continue dilating. Now in retrospect I wonder whether I couldve endured without the epidural had I known it was going to be over in another hour and a half.
A few days ago, I exchanged emails with angela. She was also late and delivered a day before I did, naturally with a midwife. I can't wait to talk to her to get more details. A part of me is a tad envious because she stood up for herself, switched to a midwife and got the birth she wanted. It makes me wonder should I have stuck it out longer and waited for labor to come naturally.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Eight Days Overdue
It's Tuesday, December 22. The baby was due last Tuesday. But no sign of labor yet. After those two initial bouts of contractions, nothing, despite walking, squatting and sex. He's been doing some serious baby calisthenics and acrobatics in the womb, my lower back has been hurting a lot and I can feel things moving and spreading in my pelvic floor for the last few weeks, but no contractions.
Today, I'm scheduled to go to the hospital for an induction. I had mixed feelings about it when we scheduled it last Tuesday at the last doctor's visit, and still have mixed feelings about it. I've been skirting them under the rug this entire week because I truly believed that the baby would initiate labor on his own so I didn't trully have to address them head on. The prospect of the actual induction wasn't really real, until now. It's about two hours before we need to head to the hospital and no signs of labor yet.
I'm ambivalent about the induction for several reasons:
-I don't like the idea of this birth being a scheduled, predetermined event. It feels like a forced extraction, almost akin to scheduling a tooth extraction, not a natural process.
-I don't like the idea of me arbitrarily deciding on the baby's date of birth. (Although at least I picked 22, which is one of my favorite numbers, ever since Maca and I started playing the lucky 22 and unlucky 33 game in our childhood.)
-By controling the course of events now, I feel like I've actually lost control.
-If it's ultimately the baby who sets the birthing process in motion when he's ready, is this baby ready? What if he's not?
-Is it really needed? Or should I wait a few more days for the baby to arrive on his own? The entire "yoga" midwife-y crowd from my yoga class would be aghast that I'm having an induction after only being one week over due. A big part of me agrees with them. But another part of me is beginning to freak out why this baby isn't coming yet. Is everything OK with him? They would say that it's not unusual for a baby to be a week or two weeks late.
-If the baby isn't ready, will this induction end up in a C-section? It's not that I'm afraid of a C-section in a case of emergency, but I would really like not to have to end up needing one. And according to information I've read and heard, the incidence of needing a C-section as a result of an induction is higher because the baby and the body aren't ready for the process yet. (I'm not sure what the stats are with overdue babies.) But if I don't have this induction, and the baby continues to grow inside my womb, what if he gets too big for me to push him out and I end up needing a C-section anyway? It's apparently a possibility. Two weeks ago, the doctor said the baby is probably in the high 7 lbs range, whereas last week she said he's probably in the mid-7 lbs range. In other words, she wasn't 100 percent sure. So it's possible that the baby is larger or smaller. Since Ivan was 8.5 lbs when he was born, and this pregnancy has been pretty much similar to Ivan's and I've gained the same amount of weight, I assume that the baby's weight will be close to Ivan's. I've also been more relaxed in terms of food this time and have been eating a much more fatty and sugary dessert-laden diet, so I fear the baby is bigger than Ivan was.
-If this were my first baby, maybe I would feel more open to the need for induction. But since Ivan's birth, no matter how long and painful, proceeded relatively naturally and was set in motion on his due date, I really haven't been mentally prepared for this.
I'm beginning to understand all those women, including Angela, who feel that they were cheated out of birthing. This is not how I wanted this process to go, nor did I think this would happen in a million years.
It also shows me that no matter how and how much one prepares for the pregnancy and birth, being pregnant and giving birth is still a wild card.
I was glad, however, that I didn't go into labor over the weekend during the snow storm. That would've been awful.
Today, I'm scheduled to go to the hospital for an induction. I had mixed feelings about it when we scheduled it last Tuesday at the last doctor's visit, and still have mixed feelings about it. I've been skirting them under the rug this entire week because I truly believed that the baby would initiate labor on his own so I didn't trully have to address them head on. The prospect of the actual induction wasn't really real, until now. It's about two hours before we need to head to the hospital and no signs of labor yet.
I'm ambivalent about the induction for several reasons:
-I don't like the idea of this birth being a scheduled, predetermined event. It feels like a forced extraction, almost akin to scheduling a tooth extraction, not a natural process.
-I don't like the idea of me arbitrarily deciding on the baby's date of birth. (Although at least I picked 22, which is one of my favorite numbers, ever since Maca and I started playing the lucky 22 and unlucky 33 game in our childhood.)
-By controling the course of events now, I feel like I've actually lost control.
-If it's ultimately the baby who sets the birthing process in motion when he's ready, is this baby ready? What if he's not?
-Is it really needed? Or should I wait a few more days for the baby to arrive on his own? The entire "yoga" midwife-y crowd from my yoga class would be aghast that I'm having an induction after only being one week over due. A big part of me agrees with them. But another part of me is beginning to freak out why this baby isn't coming yet. Is everything OK with him? They would say that it's not unusual for a baby to be a week or two weeks late.
-If the baby isn't ready, will this induction end up in a C-section? It's not that I'm afraid of a C-section in a case of emergency, but I would really like not to have to end up needing one. And according to information I've read and heard, the incidence of needing a C-section as a result of an induction is higher because the baby and the body aren't ready for the process yet. (I'm not sure what the stats are with overdue babies.) But if I don't have this induction, and the baby continues to grow inside my womb, what if he gets too big for me to push him out and I end up needing a C-section anyway? It's apparently a possibility. Two weeks ago, the doctor said the baby is probably in the high 7 lbs range, whereas last week she said he's probably in the mid-7 lbs range. In other words, she wasn't 100 percent sure. So it's possible that the baby is larger or smaller. Since Ivan was 8.5 lbs when he was born, and this pregnancy has been pretty much similar to Ivan's and I've gained the same amount of weight, I assume that the baby's weight will be close to Ivan's. I've also been more relaxed in terms of food this time and have been eating a much more fatty and sugary dessert-laden diet, so I fear the baby is bigger than Ivan was.
-If this were my first baby, maybe I would feel more open to the need for induction. But since Ivan's birth, no matter how long and painful, proceeded relatively naturally and was set in motion on his due date, I really haven't been mentally prepared for this.
I'm beginning to understand all those women, including Angela, who feel that they were cheated out of birthing. This is not how I wanted this process to go, nor did I think this would happen in a million years.
It also shows me that no matter how and how much one prepares for the pregnancy and birth, being pregnant and giving birth is still a wild card.
I was glad, however, that I didn't go into labor over the weekend during the snow storm. That would've been awful.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Two days over the due date
It's been two days over my due date and this baby is showing no signs of being ready to come out. I haven't had any contractions since Tuesday morning. However, he does seem to be moving less these last two days so maybe he's getting ready for his birth journey.
We went for some nonstress test sonogram today where the technician thoroughly checked out the baby. All looked good
I'm slowly getting over my anticipation stage. It's like I'm surrendering to a thought that labor will never start. Odd thought. We've scheduled an induction for tuesday although I'm not fully sure that I want to be induced. I really want it to happen naturally. I'll see where things will stand on Monday.
Since this birth seems to be imminent any day now, Ivan has been staying with my parents since Tuesday . We're trying to keep up his routine so he's been going to daycare this week. It's really hard not to see him for two days. And it's very empty and quiet in the house.
My dad and he stopped by the house for about one hour this evening so we could see him and also because they had to go and pick up my mom from some holiday party.
Every time I see Ivan after not being with him for a few days, it feels like he's a little stranger who at first reluctant to come to me. Like this evening, he wanted to eat so we first went to wash hands, except he didn't want to. He went to the bathroom but didn't want to wash hands. I had to take his hands and force him to wash them. That was so unlike him.
Eventually, he warms up to me and things are like before. But every time he comes back from spending a few days at my parents house he's like that. I feel estranged from him at first. Andy said the same thing-- that he feels like a little stranger at first .
One on hand, I'm glad that he's so comfortable being with my parents and that, if we need to, he can stay with them without being fussy. But on the other hand, it's so hard to feel like at first he rejects me when he sees me again. Especially now, when for the last few months he's been on a huge "mama, my mama" fest where everything seems to revolve around me.
Everyone has also warned me that he'll probably act cold and estranged from me when the baby arrives because he'll be mad at me. I hope that's not the case.
We went for some nonstress test sonogram today where the technician thoroughly checked out the baby. All looked good
I'm slowly getting over my anticipation stage. It's like I'm surrendering to a thought that labor will never start. Odd thought. We've scheduled an induction for tuesday although I'm not fully sure that I want to be induced. I really want it to happen naturally. I'll see where things will stand on Monday.
Since this birth seems to be imminent any day now, Ivan has been staying with my parents since Tuesday . We're trying to keep up his routine so he's been going to daycare this week. It's really hard not to see him for two days. And it's very empty and quiet in the house.
My dad and he stopped by the house for about one hour this evening so we could see him and also because they had to go and pick up my mom from some holiday party.
Every time I see Ivan after not being with him for a few days, it feels like he's a little stranger who at first reluctant to come to me. Like this evening, he wanted to eat so we first went to wash hands, except he didn't want to. He went to the bathroom but didn't want to wash hands. I had to take his hands and force him to wash them. That was so unlike him.
Eventually, he warms up to me and things are like before. But every time he comes back from spending a few days at my parents house he's like that. I feel estranged from him at first. Andy said the same thing-- that he feels like a little stranger at first .
One on hand, I'm glad that he's so comfortable being with my parents and that, if we need to, he can stay with them without being fussy. But on the other hand, it's so hard to feel like at first he rejects me when he sees me again. Especially now, when for the last few months he's been on a huge "mama, my mama" fest where everything seems to revolve around me.
Everyone has also warned me that he'll probably act cold and estranged from me when the baby arrives because he'll be mad at me. I hope that's not the case.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Pregnancy: where's the baby
My due date is today. It's almost the end of the day and this baby is showing no signs of wanting to be born yet.
I had some contractions last Friday afternoon while Ivan, my dad and I were at Ikea so that Ivan can run around. They lasted for about one hour and then dissipated. (this was good because I was afraid that we'd end up driving to Georgetown in rush hour traffic, which would've been dreadful).
Then contractions returned for about one hour this morning at 4 am, which was about the time contractions with Ivan started. I got excited, but then they went away as well. And nothing since. Otherwise, for the last week I've been feeling like things are slowly shifting. It's like the tectonic plates are coming apart. I'm also almost 3 cm dilated and 75 percent effaced, as per today's ob appointment. So I much further along than I was with Ivan when contractions started.
The ob thinks the baby could come tonight. But she also thought that I would've delivered by now. So did I. I was convinced the baby would be here by now. I've been ready since last Monday , after I finished the last big thing at work. I worked until thursday ( the last two days from home) and even signed off early on Thursday because I started gettting a bad headache in early afternoon, which I though was the first sign of imminent labor since that was how it started with Ivan. But no.
So I've been waiting, which is really hard for me to do since patience is not my virtue. Good thing I've learned how to knit. It's a perfect activity to keep an idle and impatient person busy. I feel like a character from a quirky movie, where I keep knitting and knitting and end up knitting a scarf so long it goes on for miles.
And this baby is rather active. His feet are at the very top of my uterus and keep kicking my diaphragm while the head is low in the pelvic cavity, pressing on the bladder and the pelvic floor. He's been inthis position for weeks now. And the nonstop baby calisthenics are getting to be really uncomfortable, at times painful, and more vigorous.
Who knows maybe he's buying his time coming out because we really hadn't settled on a name until yesterday. We're still not 100% sure but we're closer than we were. That's at least a theory I could see the yoga teacher saying
.
I had some contractions last Friday afternoon while Ivan, my dad and I were at Ikea so that Ivan can run around. They lasted for about one hour and then dissipated. (this was good because I was afraid that we'd end up driving to Georgetown in rush hour traffic, which would've been dreadful).
Then contractions returned for about one hour this morning at 4 am, which was about the time contractions with Ivan started. I got excited, but then they went away as well. And nothing since. Otherwise, for the last week I've been feeling like things are slowly shifting. It's like the tectonic plates are coming apart. I'm also almost 3 cm dilated and 75 percent effaced, as per today's ob appointment. So I much further along than I was with Ivan when contractions started.
The ob thinks the baby could come tonight. But she also thought that I would've delivered by now. So did I. I was convinced the baby would be here by now. I've been ready since last Monday , after I finished the last big thing at work. I worked until thursday ( the last two days from home) and even signed off early on Thursday because I started gettting a bad headache in early afternoon, which I though was the first sign of imminent labor since that was how it started with Ivan. But no.
So I've been waiting, which is really hard for me to do since patience is not my virtue. Good thing I've learned how to knit. It's a perfect activity to keep an idle and impatient person busy. I feel like a character from a quirky movie, where I keep knitting and knitting and end up knitting a scarf so long it goes on for miles.
And this baby is rather active. His feet are at the very top of my uterus and keep kicking my diaphragm while the head is low in the pelvic cavity, pressing on the bladder and the pelvic floor. He's been inthis position for weeks now. And the nonstop baby calisthenics are getting to be really uncomfortable, at times painful, and more vigorous.
Who knows maybe he's buying his time coming out because we really hadn't settled on a name until yesterday. We're still not 100% sure but we're closer than we were. That's at least a theory I could see the yoga teacher saying
.
IPhone blogging
Just downloaded an iPhone app to be able to write posts from the phone. Now i'm testing whether it's working.
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