Impending Daycare

Ivan starts day care next week. I‘m actually in denial that it’s already next week. Until I wrote it now, I truly didn’t realize it is so soon. I’m operating on this illusion that Thanksgiving is really a long holiday weekend.

I’m getting cold feet about sending him off. I know I have to and I know it will be good for him in the long run, but I wonder and fear how he will adjust. I fear the adjustment period. I fear the tears and I know there will be some crocodile tears. I don’t want him to feel like we’ve abandoned him. (I know it’s what all parents fear.) The last few weeks, he’s gotten more sensitive than he used to be. He cries “mama, mama” even when I go to the bathroom and close the door. He cries for us when we leave to go to work in the morning, even though he’s left with my parents whom he knows and loves (and for whom he cries when they leave). I know it’s the stage. But starting daycare at this stage will be so more difficult.

I fear how he'll do around other kids. He seems to be rather gentle and likes to explore things on his own. Big, loud groups of kids seem to scare him and intimidate him a bit. He gets serious and frowny instead of being his smiley, playful, performing self. He doesn't really know how to stand up for himself and have his space (as I've seen him in the music class and playground play, about both I yet have to write about).

Then I also fear the morning logistics. Right now, it’s easy. Ivan runs around while we take turns getting dressed and taking care of him. There is no need to get him dressed or ready, which is good, considering that a diaper change can take me up to ½ hour of chasing him around the house. Changing him out of his pajama top into a shirt often doesn't even happen, because I give up after some 15-20 minutes of trying. And now, starting next week, we’ll have to dress him in the morning as well. Not to mention feed him. Not to mention prepare his lunch and all other things he’ll have to take with him (I’m not sure what other things there will be, but I’m sure there will be some.) And not to mention all of us leave the house in a decent time to drop him off at daycare and settle him in and still go to work.

But ultimately what I fear the most is whether I will be able to cut it as a mom. A part of me feels that everything so far has been a rehearsal; if it’s been too easy. I think this because Ivan’s been really healthy. He’s been sick only once (when we ended up in the ER.). He’s never thrown up (except when he gagged on food at Ana’s birthday party). He’s had a slight fever maybe two times. He’s never really had diarrhea. Or any sleepless nights, except for some minor toothaches.

But now he’s bound to get sick in daycare. A bug every week, someone told me. I don’t know if and how I’ll handle this. I know I’ll have to. I can’t not handle it. But I fear how difficult it will be and how capable and sturdy and loving of a mom I will be through all of that.

I also feel sad because this means that Mariposa will be home alone on those days Ivan is at daycare. And that breaks my heart. It’s true that she’s not as rambunctious and playful as she was when she was a puppy but I know that she’s much happier when we’re at home with her, even if she’s napping all day long. Since Ivan’s arrival, we’ve been slowly but surely neglecting her. She doesn’t get as much attention as she used to, she’s walked less than she used to be, and we don’t play with her as much as we used to in the evening. I guess it’s partially a function of us being tired and getting used to her. I guess it’s like any relationship. After the initial fireworks fizzle out, it settles into a comfortable routine. I just hope that she’s living her life to her full doggy potential and that she’s not sad and that she doesn’t feel abandoned because we all adore her.